I am writing in response to Mr. Remer’s recent post on the topic of names and formality. I agree with half of his argument: it is objectively disrespectful when you forget a friend or colleague’s name. However, I think the second point, about addressing others with a formal title (Mr., Miss), may be a legitimate generational norm. If younger folks (even those who are married and have kids, like myself) feel uncomfortable when so addressed, isn’t it within their rights to forego this convention, and shouldn’t we honor their preference by addressing them in a style that speaks to their perceptions of reality?  Moreover, the point is made in the article that intent matters; we all forget names from time to time and a sincere apology and request for a reminder should not be viewed in a negative light.  In the same vein, if children or even peers fail to address others by their given title, but do so without malice or arrogance, I contend that first names can be used respectfully. If someone else feels slighted, they have the option to handle the situation maturely, and are entitled to politely ask that they be addressed according to their preference.

To take the contextual argument one step further, in certain cultures, bowing when greeting others is a sign of respect and a recognized social convention. It would be unusual, to say the least, if an American businessman (in America) greeted a prospective American client by bowing. In fact, such an act may actually jeopardize the account, for the sheer confusion caused by the gesture!  On the other hand, if the counterpart was Japanese, this would seem appropriate. However, what about a Japanese American? How do we know if a person one generation removed from their home country/culture expects that sort of treatment? How about a person two generations removed? It can be difficult to know what other people want.

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Recently, I received a number of requests on how to deal with less formal uses of address. It seems like most forms of address have become extremely relaxed over the years to the point of being disrespectful. I maintain that this is a direct generational response by parents reacting to their own upbringing. Whatever the reason, the end result diminishes the respect shown to one another in subtle ways, which reflects an attitude of laziness, inappropriate familiarity and just plain rudeness.

One reader stated:

“I have a pet peeve about how the ordinary citizen is addressed, say, in a doctor’s office. I am always ‘Mary’, which I sometimes don’t hear because I have a double first name which is Mary Jane. Granted my name is not easy but I could be referred to as Ms. Jones which never happens even if the speaker is 20! Is this lack of effort to call someone by their rightful name because there is overall very little respect for anyone anymore?”

My explanation, for this all too common phenomenon, is that people simply don’t realize that something as simple as how we refer to one another is the very essence of showing respect. I believe we are more consumed with “I” and “me” and thus end up taking the easy way out of conducting ourselves. Without  guidance and social education, people will continue to ignore showing one another a sense of decency. There is also carelessness about not listening to or paying attention to what a person’s name is. It creates a perception that the individual just doesn’t matter.

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In November 2008, my book Road to Respect: Path to Profit was in the final design stages. I had chosen five Employers of Choice to illustrate the main theme of the book – that a strategically built values-based culture with respect as a core value was simply a business imperative for success in today’s marketplace.

It never occurred to me, as Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz, to start looking for my heart’s desire, in this case those Employers of Choice, in my own backyard. However, when I heard about the 2008 B(ritish)C(Columbia) Business Best Companies survey, I thought I would attend the awards banquet to learn how local companies compared to those I had chosen to feature in Road to Respect. Not surprisingly, much of what I heard that evening from the winning companies reflected what I know to be true – treat your employees with respect, let them know they are valued, support them to be successful and they will produce the superior business results you are after.

I was fortunate that evening to be seated at a table with the team from Nurse Next Door, one of the Best Companies nominees, including co-founders Ken Sim and John DeHart. Nurse Next Door came in 8th in 2008. 2009 they moved up to number 1 and were named the top employer in BC for firms with over 100 employees.

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In 1908 a new management program was introduced at Harvard University. The program’s goal was to educate those who would become the leaders of the large corporations which were emerging as a feature of the American business landscape. The program’s founders believed that corporations should be run in a manner that reflected the interests of society. The vision of the program, one still reflected in the motto of the Harvard Business School today, was “To educate leaders who make a difference in the world.”   

One hundred years later a lot of questions are being asked about the difference those leaders have made and whether or not the interests of society have indeed been respected.  The gap between rich and poor has grown increasingly wide, as has the gap between executive compensation and the wage of working men and women.  Ethical values seem to have been replaced by egotism, narcissism and greed.

In the face of the economic meltdown, a group of Harvard MBA students decided it might be time for a change. They started asking some questions:  What would we want our class to be remembered for? What should our legacy be? What can we do to ensure that MBA becomes synonymous with integrity, professionalism and leadership? From those questions the MBA oath was born.

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Autumn is a fascinating and powerful time of year when many significant holidays take place. During these events our personal challenges can appear magnified, and celebrations can turn into incredibly stressful times. This need not be the case however, if we try to remember that by showing respect at all times to other people, we simultaneously give ourselves a pat on the back and a good feeling inside. This is one of those rare opportunities which remind us that we are human. None of us are able to escape these difficult trials completely. We always have the choice of how to conduct ourselves, explain our difficulties and treat those around us at these stress filled moments.

Have you ever noticed how some people think that just because they are going through a tough time they can get away with being disrespectful to other people? Somehow they feel they deserve some slack, and that their problems are so important that they can snub, criticize, degrade and otherwise make life uncomfortable for everyone around them. Nothing could be less attractive, more cruel and thoughtless, or more insulting than this sort of behavior. Whether this hurtful behavior is consciously intentional or skillfully cloaked in the garb of passive aggressive behavior, it should be appropriately recognized, addressed and apologized for to keep relationships healthy.

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