The first step is to allow myself to feel my emotions and examine them without judgment. I must trust that, while behavior can be labeled good or bad–all feelings are valid and acceptable. This is crucial since most of us learn, at a very early age, to judge emotions as good or bad. Then we dissociate from the “bad” emotions. We push them out of our conscious awareness and lose sight of our emotional impact on others. The next step is even more difficult–to determine if my emotional “data” reflects [...]

One danger of not understanding our own feelings is attributing them to others. According to Encyclopedia Britannica: Projection is a form of defense in which unwanted feelings are displaced onto another person, where they then appear as a threat from the external world. A common form of projection occurs when an individual, threatened by his own angry feelings, accuses another of harboring hostile thoughts. I saw this definition play out at work, yesterday. My boss, Jan, asked Kathy about a recent sales call. I watched as my colleague’s face turned [...]

I’m always amazed to hear the stories of how people subtly fight at work. Through procrastination, gossip, stonewalling, and other passive-aggressive methods, co-workers can find clever ways to obstruct progress while appearing helpful. So much conflict can be hidden under the surface of our actions and conversations. In the theatre, this is called “subtext.” Here are some examples of ways employees fight while smiling. Names have been changed but the scenarios are true. 1. Creating obstacles. “Tracy” is a talented office manager, but if she feels slighted, her ability to [...]

One of my triggers is a desire to “fight for my rights” if I sense that I’m not supported in my work. My fight response may manifest subtly as a tenacious search for an “unavailable” library book or the dogged pursuit of information from a tight-lipped colleague. But underneath my smiling mask, I’m angry and even a bit paranoid at my treatment. Why is this book unavailable when I know interlibrary loan has hundreds of copies to share? Previously, the librarian had seemed miffed at my voracious reading habit. Are [...]

When I moved from working in the theatre to working in an office, I was astounded by the difference in attitudes and norms. My new organization and the workplaces of my clients seemed filled with unhappiness and dysfunction. Could I use my theatre training to help transform the malaise I saw everywhere? While my clients constantly sought to improve their competitive advantage, I was amazed to see that they often ignored the most glaring personnel challenges. Companies were spending thousands of dollars streamlining their processes through Six Sigma or Lean [...]

Nancy confided to me of a difficult relationship at work. She said she had been friendly to “Bill” when he first arrived, but his sour expressions angered her. He never acknowledged her presence and Nancy had had enough. She was now offering Bill an angry expression in return. She would show him. “I’m not willing to be nice to him anymore,” she said. “He’ll just be a jerk and I don’t want to put myself out for that.” Yet, at the same time, Nancy hated carrying a grudge and a [...]

I had a strange dream this morning. I was helping a new employee who had just been hired in our department. We worked comfortably together but then, at the end of the workday (as can happen in dreams), I suddenly realized that this new worker was actually a former colleague. How did I not recognize her? In the past my former co-worker, “Cathy,” had caused great disruption and chaos in our department. She had felt like an adversary to many of us. But since I had no recollection of this [...]

My favorite part of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, is Appendix B that outlines the “Hallmarks of an Emotional Mind.” If you’ve had a reaction and wonder if your emotions have “hijacked” you, look to see if your reactions fit this list: 1. A quick but sloppy response: an accurate perception is sacrificed for speed. Speed is what makes our emotions so helpful at protecting us from danger, and so harmful (when the danger is imagined). 2. Feelings come first: then we realize what happened. Our feelings seem to happen to [...]

Corporate trainer and brain science enthusiast Laura Lewis-Barr is our latest guest blogger. Below she shares her insights into mirror neurons, empathy and what this all means for creating more respect in the workplace.   Empathy and Mirror Neurons   I’m not a brain scientist, but I’ve been thinking about mirror neurons after seeing a wonderful video on them. These specialized brain cells help us relate to our surroundings and other people. Mirror cells build empathy and connection. They are activated every time we see or hear. The video suggested [...]