I’m always amazed to hear the stories of how people subtly fight at work. Through procrastination, gossip, stonewalling, and other passive-aggressive methods, co-workers can find clever ways to obstruct progress while appearing helpful.

So much conflict can be hidden under the surface of our actions and conversations. In the theatre, this is called “subtext.”

Here are some examples of ways employees fight while smiling. Names have been changed but the scenarios are true.

1. Creating obstacles. “Tracy” is a talented office manager, but if she feels slighted, her ability to solve problems comes to a screeching halt. Suddenly, numerous intractable obstacles appear. If one is solved, another emerges. Some coworkers have called Tracy, “controlling” and they complain of her micromanaging. Others have learned to keep Tracy “in the loop” and report no problems. They have realized Tracy’s need to feel needed. While some coworkers are stuck in constant battles with Tracy’s procedures, others have found a coworker with incredible talents and a powerful work ethic.

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In last month’s post, I featured an interview with values based top employer Nurse Next Door. Like other employers of choice I feature in Road to Respect, the workplace culture at Nurse Next Door empowers employees to speak up, to raise issues, to talk about problems and ask for help. Speaking up is a cultural norm that promotes organizational success.

Unfortunately, the cultural norm of speaking up experienced by the employees at Nurse Next Door is the exception rather than the rule. In most workplaces, employees routinely make the choice to put up and shut up. In cases of disrespectful behavior like harassment and bullying, a first incident typically turns into a pattern, one that has dire consequences for the individuals involved and their workplace. Productivity drops, absenteeism rises, teamwork and service delivery degenerate.

Research shows that individuals on the receiving end of disrespect at work spend up to 50% of their time on the job dealing with the effects of the disrespectful behavior. New ideas, creativity and innovation are stifled by the fear that disrespect spawns. Math may not be my strong suit, but it is fairly obvious that if employees are spending almost half their time focused on something other than the job that they are being paid to do, that is a serious business problem.

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I am writing in response to Mr. Remer’s recent post on the topic of names and formality. I agree with half of his argument: it is objectively disrespectful when you forget a friend or colleague’s name. However, I think the second point, about addressing others with a formal title (Mr., Miss), may be a legitimate generational norm. If younger folks (even those who are married and have kids, like myself) feel uncomfortable when so addressed, isn’t it within their rights to forego this convention, and shouldn’t we honor their preference by addressing them in a style that speaks to their perceptions of reality?  Moreover, the point is made in the article that intent matters; we all forget names from time to time and a sincere apology and request for a reminder should not be viewed in a negative light.  In the same vein, if children or even peers fail to address others by their given title, but do so without malice or arrogance, I contend that first names can be used respectfully. If someone else feels slighted, they have the option to handle the situation maturely, and are entitled to politely ask that they be addressed according to their preference.

To take the contextual argument one step further, in certain cultures, bowing when greeting others is a sign of respect and a recognized social convention. It would be unusual, to say the least, if an American businessman (in America) greeted a prospective American client by bowing. In fact, such an act may actually jeopardize the account, for the sheer confusion caused by the gesture!  On the other hand, if the counterpart was Japanese, this would seem appropriate. However, what about a Japanese American? How do we know if a person one generation removed from their home country/culture expects that sort of treatment? How about a person two generations removed? It can be difficult to know what other people want.

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Recently, I received a number of requests on how to deal with less formal uses of address. It seems like most forms of address have become extremely relaxed over the years to the point of being disrespectful. I maintain that this is a direct generational response by parents reacting to their own upbringing. Whatever the reason, the end result diminishes the respect shown to one another in subtle ways, which reflects an attitude of laziness, inappropriate familiarity and just plain rudeness.

One reader stated:

“I have a pet peeve about how the ordinary citizen is addressed, say, in a doctor’s office. I am always ‘Mary’, which I sometimes don’t hear because I have a double first name which is Mary Jane. Granted my name is not easy but I could be referred to as Ms. Jones which never happens even if the speaker is 20! Is this lack of effort to call someone by their rightful name because there is overall very little respect for anyone anymore?”

My explanation, for this all too common phenomenon, is that people simply don’t realize that something as simple as how we refer to one another is the very essence of showing respect. I believe we are more consumed with “I” and “me” and thus end up taking the easy way out of conducting ourselves. Without  guidance and social education, people will continue to ignore showing one another a sense of decency. There is also carelessness about not listening to or paying attention to what a person’s name is. It creates a perception that the individual just doesn’t matter.

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In November 2008, my book Road to Respect: Path to Profit was in the final design stages. I had chosen five Employers of Choice to illustrate the main theme of the book – that a strategically built values-based culture with respect as a core value was simply a business imperative for success in today’s marketplace.

It never occurred to me, as Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz, to start looking for my heart’s desire, in this case those Employers of Choice, in my own backyard. However, when I heard about the 2008 B(ritish)C(Columbia) Business Best Companies survey, I thought I would attend the awards banquet to learn how local companies compared to those I had chosen to feature in Road to Respect. Not surprisingly, much of what I heard that evening from the winning companies reflected what I know to be true – treat your employees with respect, let them know they are valued, support them to be successful and they will produce the superior business results you are after.

I was fortunate that evening to be seated at a table with the team from Nurse Next Door, one of the Best Companies nominees, including co-founders Ken Sim and John DeHart. Nurse Next Door came in 8th in 2008. 2009 they moved up to number 1 and were named the top employer in BC for firms with over 100 employees.

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