Forms of Address – A Generational Difference?
I am writing in response to Mr. Remer’s recent post on the topic of names and formality. I agree with half of his argument: it is objectively disrespectful when you forget a friend or colleague’s name. However, I think the second point, about addressing others with a formal title (Mr., Miss), may be a legitimate generational norm. If younger folks (even those who are married and have kids, like myself) feel uncomfortable when so addressed, isn’t it within their rights to forego this convention, and shouldn’t we honor their preference by addressing them in a style that speaks to their perceptions of reality? Moreover, the point is made in the article that intent matters; we all forget names from time to time and a sincere apology and request for a reminder should not be viewed in a negative light. In the same vein, if children or even peers fail to address others by their given title, but do so without malice or arrogance, I contend that first names can be used respectfully. If someone else feels slighted, they have the option to handle the situation maturely, and are entitled to politely ask that they be addressed according to their preference.
To take the contextual argument one step further, in certain cultures, bowing when greeting others is a sign of respect and a recognized social convention. It would be unusual, to say the least, if an American businessman (in America) greeted a prospective American client by bowing. In fact, such an act may actually jeopardize the account, for the sheer confusion caused by the gesture! On the other hand, if the counterpart was Japanese, this would seem appropriate. However, what about a Japanese American? How do we know if a person one generation removed from their home country/culture expects that sort of treatment? How about a person two generations removed? It can be difficult to know what other people want.
I, for one, believe that most people are flexible, and don’t get offended easily. For most of us, it may not make a huge difference whether someone addresses us by our first name or with a “Mister” in front of our last name. If we encounter someone with a strong preference, one way or another, this fact becomes evident pretty quickly (like when you meet someone and they keep referring to you as “Mr. Ziff” despite you calling them Bob). These situations can be rapidly diagnosed and easily remedied (in the case I just mentioned, I would quickly refer to the other individual as “Mr. Smith”). Challenging others’ preferences (“It’s weird that you keep insisting that I call you Mr. Smith”) or ignoring the signals (“Mr. Ziff, what did our client have to say about that?” …”Well, Bob, they weren’t too pleased”) is rude. Not knowing or not realizing prior to a conversation that your counterpart is a definite “Mister” falls into the former category of an honest mistake/misunderstanding.
A short story, in summary: when my wife and I were engaged, we had the surprisingly contentious conversation regarding what we should call one another’s parents. I referred to my parents by the traditional Hebrew terms for mother and father, while my wife called her parents Mom and Dad. Seems simple, right? Well, it took me a very long time to make “Mom and Dad” feel natural, and to this day (six-plus years later) I still get a twinge of cognitive dissonance when I address them that way. My wife uses the same terms as I do when speaking with my parents, but she had very mixed feelings about expanding the “mom and dad” category to include two people that hadn’t raised her. She had the additional good fortune of having to figure out how to handle my dad’s second wife (three years into our marriage my dad got remarried). We both call her by her first name only. What’s the point of all of this? Sometimes there is no clear-cut answer. We work with what we’ve got, and we try our best to maintain an appropriate level of respect and deference, as our personal experiences dictate.
Aaron Ziff is the Senior Partner, Business Development and Surveys for Edge Learning of Ohio / RespectfulWorkplace.com. He has a diverse background in human resources, having served as executive recruiter, HR generalist, measurement specialist, and business developer in his career. Aaron earned his bachelor’s degree in psychology from Yeshiva University (New York City), along with a master’s degree in industrial & organizational psychology from the University of Akron.
Tags: Aaron Ziff, civility, etiquette, generations, respect
February 10th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Mr. Ziff’s thoughtful response shows a different perspective. In some ways it clearly illustrates exactly what I see as the root of the problem. I am always amused by being referred to as old and antiquated( two other comments to the blog entry to which Mr. Ziff refers), and now speaking from the point of view another generation. I agree with this; however 59 is the new 30 – right?
I still remain steadfast on my point about addressing someone as Mr or Ms, until that Mr or Ms requests otherwise. An assumption that Sally or Tom is okay from the very beginning is not right and is a form of disrespect in many circumstances.
The reference to Japanese bowing has little to do with this discussion, but is worthy of addressing in a separate article.
Intention is key, but does not excuse unintentional rudeness. I, too, believe that many people are flexible – not necessarily most. The bar height of civility has dropped over the years which makes it the ‘norm’ for this behavior to be acceptable. As this is not suitable in the workplace, nor is it suitable in less formal situations. I do think what is appropriate today is for the informality on both sides to be requested far more quickly, as in, “Please call me Jay.” Some people can call me Jay and some people can continue to call me Mr. Remer. It depends on the complexities of individual events.
As to the matter of addressing in laws, that is very personal and very complicated as it involves a lot psychological material we carry around, much of it from childhood. For me, I referred to my future in laws as Mr and Mrs until I became engaged. Then I was immediately asked to call them by their first names. I would definitely shy away from calling someone other than my own mother anything resembling that term. This is really a separate discussion.
I think the point of writing the article in the first place is that gentility has slipped, not only in the board room, but socially as well. Respect is respect. Assumptions about relaxing social mores is walking on thin ice. My advice is to stay on solid ground.