In last month’s post, I featured an interview with values based top employer Nurse Next Door. Like other employers of choice I feature in Road to Respect, the workplace culture at Nurse Next Door empowers employees to speak up, to raise issues, to talk about problems and ask for help. Speaking up is a cultural norm that promotes organizational success.

Unfortunately, the cultural norm of speaking up experienced by the employees at Nurse Next Door is the exception rather than the rule. In most workplaces, employees routinely make the choice to put up and shut up. In cases of disrespectful behavior like harassment and bullying, a first incident typically turns into a pattern, one that has dire consequences for the individuals involved and their workplace. Productivity drops, absenteeism rises, teamwork and service delivery degenerate.

Research shows that individuals on the receiving end of disrespect at work spend up to 50% of their time on the job dealing with the effects of the disrespectful behavior. New ideas, creativity and innovation are stifled by the fear that disrespect spawns. Math may not be my strong suit, but it is fairly obvious that if employees are spending almost half their time focused on something other than the job that they are being paid to do, that is a serious business problem.

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Did you know that Random Acts of Kindness Week officially kicked off on Monday? This annual event, sponsored by the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation, is intended to inspire kindness with a “pay it forward” mentality. In today’s society, and especially workplace culture, kindness, it seems, has fallen by the way side. People simply believe they don’t have the time, money, or energy to extend even a small amount of kindness, but times like these are exactly when we need a friendly smile or an unsolicited compliment the most.

Studies have shown that the effects of kindness not only make you feel good but also improve your mental and physical health. In 1991 Allan Luks, former executive director of the Institute for the Advancement of Health and executive director of Big Brothers/Big Sisters of New York City, conducted a study of several thousand volunteers located around the country to understand what their emotional state was like after they helped someone else. He determined that helping others and performing acts of kindness improved the overall health of study participants, even lowering stress.

So what are the workplace implications of Luks’s results? Well obviously we are living through some extremely difficult and stressful economic times, so if an act of kindness can help, even in some small way, wouldn’t you want to try it? And wouldn’t you want to try it in the workplace, which may well be the most stressful environment you are exposed to on a daily basis?

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I am writing in response to Mr. Remer’s recent post on the topic of names and formality. I agree with half of his argument: it is objectively disrespectful when you forget a friend or colleague’s name. However, I think the second point, about addressing others with a formal title (Mr., Miss), may be a legitimate generational norm. If younger folks (even those who are married and have kids, like myself) feel uncomfortable when so addressed, isn’t it within their rights to forego this convention, and shouldn’t we honor their preference by addressing them in a style that speaks to their perceptions of reality?  Moreover, the point is made in the article that intent matters; we all forget names from time to time and a sincere apology and request for a reminder should not be viewed in a negative light.  In the same vein, if children or even peers fail to address others by their given title, but do so without malice or arrogance, I contend that first names can be used respectfully. If someone else feels slighted, they have the option to handle the situation maturely, and are entitled to politely ask that they be addressed according to their preference.

To take the contextual argument one step further, in certain cultures, bowing when greeting others is a sign of respect and a recognized social convention. It would be unusual, to say the least, if an American businessman (in America) greeted a prospective American client by bowing. In fact, such an act may actually jeopardize the account, for the sheer confusion caused by the gesture!  On the other hand, if the counterpart was Japanese, this would seem appropriate. However, what about a Japanese American? How do we know if a person one generation removed from their home country/culture expects that sort of treatment? How about a person two generations removed? It can be difficult to know what other people want.

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Recently, I received a number of requests on how to deal with less formal uses of address. It seems like most forms of address have become extremely relaxed over the years to the point of being disrespectful. I maintain that this is a direct generational response by parents reacting to their own upbringing. Whatever the reason, the end result diminishes the respect shown to one another in subtle ways, which reflects an attitude of laziness, inappropriate familiarity and just plain rudeness.

One reader stated:

“I have a pet peeve about how the ordinary citizen is addressed, say, in a doctor’s office. I am always ‘Mary’, which I sometimes don’t hear because I have a double first name which is Mary Jane. Granted my name is not easy but I could be referred to as Ms. Jones which never happens even if the speaker is 20! Is this lack of effort to call someone by their rightful name because there is overall very little respect for anyone anymore?”

My explanation, for this all too common phenomenon, is that people simply don’t realize that something as simple as how we refer to one another is the very essence of showing respect. I believe we are more consumed with “I” and “me” and thus end up taking the easy way out of conducting ourselves. Without  guidance and social education, people will continue to ignore showing one another a sense of decency. There is also carelessness about not listening to or paying attention to what a person’s name is. It creates a perception that the individual just doesn’t matter.

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